The Most Dangerous Negotiation of All — Why “Just leave!” misunderstands the psychology of domestic abuse.
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We are comfortable talking about negotiation in boardrooms, courtrooms, and political arenas. We are less comfortable acknowledging that some of the most complex negotiations happen behind closed doors, in relationships where power is weaponized and safety is uncertain.
When domestic violence enters the conversation, one question often surfaces with startling frequency: Why doesn’t she just leave? It is a question rooted in misunderstanding. And more critically, it reflects a failure to grasp the negotiation dynamics at play.
Domestic Abuse as a Power Negotiation
At its core, domestic abuse is not about anger management. It is about control. It is a sustained and strategic effort to dominate decision-making, limit autonomy, and erode a partner’s perceived options.
In negotiation theory, power derives from alternatives. The stronger one’s viable alternatives (often referred to as BATNA—best alternative to a negotiated agreement), the more leverage one holds. Abusers understand this intuitively. They systematically weaken their partner’s alternatives, isolating them from friends and family, undermining financial independence, destabilizing their self-confidence, and creating emotional dependency. The result is not simply fear. It is constrained choice architecture.
From the outside, leaving may appear to be a clear option. From the inside, the alternatives may feel perilous, inaccessible, even catastrophic.
The Myth of Rational Exit
Observers frequently assess abusive relationships through a rational-choice framework: If harm outweighs benefit, departure should follow. But abuse does not operate in clean economic equations.
Coercive control reshapes cognition. Gaslighting erodes trust in one’s own perceptions. Intermittent reinforcement—cycles of cruelty followed by affection—strengthens psychological attachment in ways well-documented in research.
Moreover, leaving is often the most dangerous phase of an abusive relationship. Studies consistently show that the risk of severe violence escalates when a victim attempts to exit. In negotiation terms, when a controlling party perceives loss of dominance, escalation frequently follows.
Content retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/blog/life-as-a-negotiation/202602/the-most-dangerous-negotiation-of-all/amp.
