‘I married my partner after 7 months. I had no idea what I was walking into.’
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For too long, coercive control has been the “invisible” reality of domestic abuse, leaving thousands of Australian women without clear legal recognition of their experiences. While NSW, Queensland and South Australia have now criminalised coercive control, other states and territories are still considering or developing standalone offences. In our new series , Mamamia is unpacking the warning signs, the profound impact, and the legal shifts, finally naming this behaviour for exactly what it is.
To protect the safety of the woman and children involved in this story, all names and several key identifying details have been significantly altered.
When Sarah* met Daniel*, she was early on in a new career. It was a stable period of her life where she felt professionally grounded, socially connected, and moving in a direction that made sense to her.
“I’d just stepped out of a lift, and he whizzed past. I thought he was intelligent and charming,” Sarah told Mamamia.
Nothing about those early interactions with Daniel stood out as cause for concern. If anything, the relationship seemed to fall into place nicely, albeit quickly, even if it wasn’t something she had been actively seeking.
Seven months after their first date, they were married.
Watch: Signs You’re in a Relationship with a Narcissist. Post continues below.
“I wasn’t someone who’d planned on getting married, it was the last thing on my mind,” Sarah said.
It’s only with hindsight that she can recognise the speed of their relationship as being a red flag. There were other moments too. Moments that felt not-quite-right, but were easy to rationalise in isolation.
But over time, those small moments became big moments, and they became far more frequent.
“It was slow, and tortuous. Death by ten thousand cuts,” she said.
What began as small criticisms became continuous insults, an overall negative framework through which Sarah was assessed. Everyday tasks became examples of failure, and the expectation was always that she should do more.
“He became difficult to please… I was told if I did more, tried harder, put in more effort, all would be ok,” Sarah recalled.
Over time, that messaging shifted from her behaviour to her identity. It wasn’t just what she did that was wrong, it was who she was as a person too.
“He constantly told me that ‘everyone else’ had a home/wife/kids that were doing a better job than I was,” she said.
If Sarah tried to question Daniel, he would immediately shut her down.
‘His favourite punishment was the silent treatment.’
“I’d be belittled or ridiculed or dismissed, or he’d stamp off in rage. But his favourite punishment was the silent treatment. The silent treatment could go on for days,” she explained.
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Content retrieved from: https://www.mamamia.com.au/coercive-control-warning-signs/.
