‘Narcissists – only more devious’: the truth about dark empaths
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It isn’t every day that psychologists identify a hot new character archetype. Human design doesn’t usually generate media stories about “the most-talked-about personality trait for autumn/winter”. And yet, something close to this is unfolding with the current fascination with so-called “dark empaths”.
On TikTok, the term has been trending, with more than 2.6m mentions. There’s even a #darkempathtok hashtag, all the better to locate the latest videos with ominous titles such as “When an empath goes dark” and “The most DANGEROUS personality”. A measure of how far the idea has travelled is that, when I mentioned the phrase to my hairdresser, he helpfully explained: “Oh yes, they’re the ones who are like narcissists, only more devious.”
Dark empaths were first identified in a 2021 study published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences. Researchers defined it as “a novel psychological construct” concerning individuals who have a high degree of empathy alongside what’s known as “dark traits”. How this plays out in practice is someone who appears to be caring and sensitive, but who is actually using those skills to further their own agenda.
But how is it possible to manufacture empathy? Can’t we as humans detect when that is being done? It turns out there is more than one type of empathy. The deeply caring type most of us understand is called “affective empathy” – the real thing. “It is the degree to which I feel what you are feeling,” says Nadja Heym, co-author of the research study and associate professor in personality psychology and psychopathology at Nottingham Trent University. “So, for example, when you feel sad, that makes me feel sad. But there’s another type known as cognitive empathy. In that case, the script is: ‘I know what you’re thinking. I understand your mental state. But I really don’t care about it.’ And this information is important to the dark empath because, if they want to predict your behaviour, they need to understand what you’re thinking in order to try to control you.” It is this manipulation by stealth that can feel so unnerving if you are on the receiving end of it.
Yasmin works in event management. “It was a very social vibe and Elaine, the new boss, liked to treat us to a Friday afternoon ‘drinks trolley’, AKA a few bottles of fizz being passed around the desks. The evening would often end in the pub.” Soon, her boss started to share confidences about her personal life, prompting Yasmin to reveal her struggles in trying to get pregnant. “It felt great that my boss was also becoming a good friend and mentor, and made office life enjoyable.”
Things started to go wrong when Elaine confided about how stress was taking its toll on her health. She frequently asked Yasmin to take on extra tasks. “I was happy to help her out knowing what pressure she was under from management. She had also hinted a promotion was in the offing for me. But then she embarked upon a not-so-subtle campaign to try to put me off the idea of starting a family. She’d tell me that, at 35, I still had loads of time, and didn’t I want to prioritise my career and future earnings first? It’s only with hindsight that I realise what an outrageous boundary overstep this was. At the time, I genuinely thought she was looking out for me.”
A few months later, Yasmin discovered she was finally pregnant. “I was nervous about telling Elaine but I wasn’t expecting such an extreme reaction. She went ballistic and started screeching: ‘How could you do this to me, after all I’ve done for you?’ After that, she excluded me from meetings and when the much-talked-about promotion was advertised, no surprise, I didn’t even make the shortlist. Of course, I could have gone to HR but what would that have achieved? I never wanted to work with the woman again and transferred to another department before my daughter was born. But I’m still annoyed with myself for having trusted her.”
Unfortunately, dark empaths are extremely good at getting their prey to drop their defences. “They intellectually assemble an understanding of the other person’s weaknesses, where their loyalties might lie and what their insecurities are,” explains Wendy Behary, therapist and author of Disarming the Narcissist.
“They crave this knowledge because they can then use it to manipulate. For example, in a romantic relationship, say the dark empath knows that their wife derives a lot of pride from their workplace achievements and how she is viewed professionally. She gets an amazing job. That means the dark empath will feel at risk of potentially losing her to other people. He will lose the spotlight and, potentially, the right to make all of the decisions. Her success at work is making her feel special and he is losing his power over her. So in this scenario, he would typically scheme to bring the person down. He might say things like: ‘I know how important it is for you to show up for work looking the part – but when you wear that dress you look like mutton dressed as lamb. I’m very surprised, I thought you would know better.’ It’s all about shaming.”
Content retrieved from: https://www.theguardian.com/science/2024/nov/10/narcissists-only-more-devious-the-truth-about-dark-empaths.
