Are You an “Echoist?” Here’s what you need to know about the people-pleasing trait, and why it could make you more vulnerable to narcissists.
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When Emma Davey looks back, she can see that her abuser was “molding” her very quickly. “It went from 0 to 100, he told me he loved me within the first week [and] wanted to marry me within the first fortnight. But then it went from that to questioning why I had so many male friends on social media, commenting on what I was wearing. He actually bought me a whole new wardrobe because he didn’t like that I’d worn clothes with other people…”
The words for what Davey went through, during her six-years with a man who controlled every detail of her life, are discussed widely now: there was the love bombing (when an individual showers another person with excessive affection and attention, in the early stages of a relationship, to gain control) followed by gaslighting (a form of psychological manipulation where someone makes a person doubt their own reality). Having strong, clear language for abuse is vital in helping to identify and acknowledge what is happening to you. It can also help others look for the signs in their own relationships and seek help when needed.
Now, when discussing narcissistic abuse, a (fairly) new term is cropping up: that of an ‘echoist.’ First coined by Craig Malkin Ph.D., in 2015, in his book, Rethinking Narcissism, an echoist is “the opposite of a narcissist” – narcissists crave attention, and echoists dread it, and are adept at echoing the feelings and needs of others – often at their own expense.
While it’s not a diagnosable condition like narcissistic personality disorder, it is a measurable trait – something Davey knows well. In 2022, she successfully got her abuser convicted of coercive and controlling behavior and jailed for 19 months. She is now a trauma-informed MBACP counsellor and survivor-advocate specialising in domestic abuse and coercive control, who has created the MyNARA (My Narcissistic Abuse Recovery) app. Here she discusses how to recognise if you’re an echoist and how to move forward.
What is an echoist?
“An echoist is someone who never puts themselves first; they have a lot of empathy and they don’t feel safe in having their voice heard,” explains Davey. “Which is why they’re a prime target to narcissists because they are very easily moldable to do exactly what a narcissist wants them to do. They will give, give, give and a narcissist will take, take, take until they don’t have anything left for themselves.”
Read more https://www.cosmopolitan.com/relationships/a69999776/echoist-explained-narcissism-people-pleasing/
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